From being in beauty pageants at 8 years old and modeling in photoshoots & runways shows in my teenage years, I was aware of the power of beauty at a young age. When I started pursuing music consistently at 17 years old, my beauty became a power struggle between developing my talent & being seen as a conquest under the gauze of musical ulterior motives.
If I wasn't navigating around being ravished by male counterparts I was on the receiving end of jealousy from girls I was looking for my music to connect too... Out of everything negative I've had to experience pursuing music outwardly It would be between Sexual Harassment and Jealousy that hurt and hindered me the most.
I know this type of debauchery is common in the music scene & industry but when its overwhelming to the point that its the only experience I have on a loop and the support or listenership of my music doesn't even come close to balance out the negative.... there's clearly something wrong in the way I'm seen.
I stopped performing, I stopped doing music videos, I stopped doing photo shoots and began to hyper analyze my self image. I couldn't proceed with these endeavors if they endangered me. I've had stalkers and devastating experiences behind my self expression in music not realizing I was blindly allowing myself to creatively open around people who saw my creative energy as something to devour or take for themselves.
2022 I taught my self how to use blender a 3D computer graphics software tool set used for 3d modeling. I created a avatar in my image to express all the things I wanted to do without the hardship & unconscious backlash I received from people (my Instagram following & people I came across in the music scene) I figured that when people see the avatar they'll pay more attention to the music and give it a chance instead of physically seeing me and immediately try to formulate how they're going to put forth their fantasies.
I use to think my physicality got in the way of my music's potential because it has, but later I had to realize self expression whether through performing, dressing up, etc. is one of my highest values and that I have to enact boundaries that allows me to be myself while my other values aren't in jeopardy.
Comments